unbreak broken

it won't happen

of course all the people i imagine i’d be really compatible with

are always in relationships already. 

not that i am always in the mindset of “I’D LIKE TO DATE YOU RAWRRR.” although i guess only two other people have fit this description (me thinking i’d be really compatible with them if they weren’t already in a serious relationship). and then there are the other few people i get major infatuations with because they are super smart / on point, and have so much in common in terms of hobbies, art, music, whatever.. but the latter group are always SOOOO not what i would ever want in a relationship (i.e. drugs/alcohol, definitely the opposite of stability…). although the imaginary-compatibility people are also super smart and on point, but often don’t necessarily have the same art/music taste… i have a soft spot for ex-punk rockers, tattooed folks, but those who are the sweetest and nicest people ever. like, hard outside, soft inside. :-) and probably very sexual. heehee. what? i’m a scorpio!

but for real though, my dating pool is super limited among queer folks because i can’t tolerate weed and drugs at all (or heavy partiers/drinkers). or cigarettes. like. i am fine hanging out with friends who smoke weed, and they are considerate enough that they will smoke in the other room, but i can’t tolerate that at all in a partner.

also, i am probably slightly bisexual, but mostly physical attraction. and even with that, i am VERY VERY picky. i have yet to meet a guy that felt any mental “attraction” to. basically, i’m very very gay.

practicing self-control.

and not getting paranoid is hard.

i’m so afraid. but why should i be afraid when it is long gone?

all i look forward to is my counseling sessions now


could we still cuddle….?


why do i want to cuddle with you even when you treat me like shit…?


the ONLY way i’d ever date a man if if he is fell into one of these categories:

-rich and wants to pay for everything and is amazing in bed and younger than 50 (i have low standards if he is rich)

-not white and not racist / oppressive / not totally stupid about queer things and is good in bed and is buff and has a giant cock and practices safer sex and communicates well and wants to hang out with me

IRL for dating, it would be latter and someone who genuinely likes me and i think he’s cute.

This must be what you feel like.

Maybe I should write a song from your perspective. Or what I think is your perspective.

219 plays

I had one friend in high school
Recently he hung himself with string
His note said, “If living is the problem
Well, that’s just baffling”
And at the wake I waited around
To see my ex first love
And I barely recognized her
But I knew exactly what she was thinking of
We sat quietly in the corner
Whispering close about loss
And I remembered why I loved her
And I asked her why I drove her off

She said, “The slow fade of love
Its soft edge might cut you
And our poor friend Jim, well, he just lived within
The slow fade of love”

A woman calls my house once a week
She’s always selling things
Some charity, a phone plan
Or a subscription to a magazine
And as I turned her down (I always do)
There was something trembling in her voice
I said, “Hey, what troubles you?”
She said, “I’m surprised you noticed
Well, my husband, he’s a-leaving
And I can’t convince him to stay
And he’ll take our daughter with him
She wants to go with him anyway.
I’m sorry I’m hard to live with
Living is the problem for me
I’m selling people things they don’t want
And I don’t know what you need”

He said, “The slow fade of love
And its mist might choke you
It’s my gradual descent into a life I never meant
It’s the slow fade of love”

I was driving south from Melrose
I happened upon my old lover’s old house
I found myself staring at the closed up door
Like the day she threw me out
"Diana, Diana, Diana, I would die for you
I’m in love with you completely
I’m afraid that’s all I can do.”
She said, “You can sleep upon my doorstep
You can promise me indifference, Jim
But my mind is made up
And I’ll never let you in again”

For the slow fade of love
It might hit you from below
It’s your gradual descent into a life you never meant
It’s the slow fade of love

I have no self-respect.

I just wanna fuck someone who won’t treat me like shit. I was going to say “Ha, low standards,” but I realize most people don’t even have that in a relationship let alone in a casual sex encounter.

I wouldn’t mind if that happened to be you… knowing I would never want to be with you again after what you had done to me.

But if we could ever have the fucking fantastic sex that we used to have when you still loved me even without the love, I would do it in an instant. But knowing I have no dick to satisfy you with makes me want to kill men.

Pavlovian Bell

what is the world 
if not a stage 
and this life 
if not a game 
if i have no more 
to lose than a wager 
i’d say the odds 
are in my favor 

I don’t know what this song is really about and the lyrics probably have nothing to do with what I am feeling, but the music itself describes my feelings.

If there is one thing I’ll remember about us, it’s this photo. We look so happy and in love, but I remember your ambivalence to this photo. You didn’t even remember where and when it was taken. This photo is the most heart-wrenching photo of us for me. This photo was edited out of desperation for attention from you.

This is a photo of you no longer loving me and me too in love and naive to realize that nothing had changed after all.

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